Beautiful Tribute

Hi Everyone,

What a day we had to celebrate the life of our Queen yesterday. None of us could have asked for a more perfect service surrounded by a more perfect group of people. As someone wrote to me in a facebook message, "I always knew how popular your mom was but...........she was absolutely watching saying-man I am popular!!!" And this is so, so true. I know she was very proud of the large showing of people. On top of having a "special" obituary written in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (complete with a COLOR picture on the front page of Tuesday's Metro section!), there were (according to our very statistical calculations) about 400 of you at Mt. Vernon Presbyterian Church to celebrate my ridiculously amazing mother. When we were originally planning the memorial celebration, we told the minister to expect 150-200 people. This is why many of you did not receive a program because they flat out ran out due to the large numbers of people! There were many of you who were unable to attend due to weather, distance, and other reasons. We know you all wanted to be there, and we want you to feel as though you were right there with us. I am posting below the 3 "speeches" (or, as my cousin and I liked to call them as we calmed our nerves..."points of discussion for our conference call"). This will be an extraordinarily long blog entry due to the copy and pasting, but I hope you enjoy reading the beautiful words spoken about my mom. I'll post them in the order they were read.

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1) Abby Howe, the daughter who got a weird addiction to blogging

Knowing my mom, she would probably be pretty mad at us for all sitting here and talking about her. Well, tough. She’ll have to get over that for today. I do know that she wouldn’t want any of us sitting here without some laughter happening. I am going to attempt to provide some comic relief and tell you just a few of the simple yet powerful life lessons my mom has taught me in my 23 years

1) Now, I have to make sure you all know where the whole Queen Jean thing came from. Even at a young age, my mom knew she wanted to be royalty. She always wanted her title to be, “Queen Jean the Jellybean.” As she got older, she and my dad bought our current house, which happens to be surrounded by a moat (some of you may prefer to call this a ‘drainage ditch’).

Clearly, due to this moat, we automatically live in a castle.

And finally, I’ve always been a little self-conscious about my toes. I’m sure you’re wondering how this ties into royalty. Well, my mom always told me that having a second toe that is longer than your first toe is an automatic sign of royalty. Was she just trying to make me feel better about my weird toes? Most likely. But I still like to believe that I am a princess due to this odd toe situation.

2) Never, ever drive with less than ¼ tank of gas. And if you can, try to fill up when you hit that ½ a tank mark. According to my mother, your gas gauge may by lying to you. And you never know where you might be and what pocket of zero cell phone reception you will find yourself in when you run out of gas.

3) Try to never go out past dark. Ever. Bad things happen when it’s dark outside.

4) Always eat dinner between 6:00 and 6:30 and be sure to sit down at the table with your family and light candles….don’t just save candles for special occasions.

5) Try not to drive if there is any impending threat of rain/sleet/snow/hail/wind. Allison…not sure she would have approved of you driving in the 2^nd worst blizzard in Vermont history.

6) You can never, ever be overly cautious in medical situations. I credit this life lesson to Nancy’s dramatic entrance into the world. But my mom tended to take it to an extreme. 3 years ago we took a trip to Colonial Williamsburg. We were put-zing around the gravel streets, watching re-enactments and listening to soldiers drumming in the background. I somehow managed to get stung by a bee. The most shocking part of this story is that I made it 21 years without EVER getting a bee sting. The Queen was very worried I might be allergic, so she insisted we call the Colonial Williamsburg Paramedics. No, they didn’t come trotting by on their horse drawn carriage with a small doctor’s bag. They strolled up in a police car with flashing lights and wearing their uniforms only to give me some anti-sting cream. Embarrassing? You bet. But like I said…you can never be too cautious in medical situations.

7) To go along with number 6…always live within 2 miles of a major medical center. Again, I credit Nancy’s entrance into the world with this life lesson.

8) Why fly when you can drive? According to my parents, no distance on the East Coast is ever too far to drive! Be sure that you are armed with DVD’s, grapes to munch on, and Benadryl. And while you’re schlepping across the Eastern Coast…stop and see the sights! Nancy and I will both tell you that at the time, these “stops along the way” were a huge pain in the butt. Looking at it now, I’m so glad my parents made us stop to see Thomas Jefferson’s home, Colonial Williamsburg, the Lackawanna Coal Mine, and the mansions in Newport, RI…just to name a few.

9) Always try to return things even if…you think they aren’t returnable, you don’t have a receipt, you may have worn the item, you may have broken the item, and/or you may just not like the item anymore. You never know what they’ll say.

10) Show people that you appreciate their hard work. This is why my mom baked Mike’s Hot Dog brownies for all her friends at the oncologist’s office and radiation. This is also how she somehow weaseled her way into having her nurses and doctors cell phone numbers, which my mom considered a huge accomplishment.

11) You can never have too much stuff. Now, I’m not talking about those people who are Hoarders and have TV series devoted to them. I’m talking about surrounding yourself with pictures of loved ones, paintings you love, and things that make you smile. In my mom’s case, she surrounded herself with angels. Wooden angels crafted by my dad, metal angels hiding within indoor plants, and stained glass angels that glisten as sunlight shines through the window. My dad may argue that we could be featured on an special edition episode for people that are borderline Hoarders…but I like to tell myself we aren’t that bad…yet. J

12) My mom taught me how to be a teacher. She loved her job and she was great at it, yet she understood that it was the most difficult job in the entire world. After I had rough days at school, she would tell me to go home, forget about it, and start over again the next day because it’s a new day. I think this is a good way of thinking in any situation.

13) She lived by the motto: Wish it. Dream it. Do it. This is one of my mom’s favorite slogans. Wish whatever you want, dream up whatever you want, and do whatever you want. A long time ago, she crafted little wooden signs for each of us that say this slogan. What simple yet powerful words.

And finally, number 14. I saved the best for last. She taught me how to love. She showed me through her actions how to love your family and love your friends because nothing else really matters. She often used one simple action to show her love. This action is something that she was able to continue even in her weakest state because she didn’t have to say a word. All she had to do was pucker her lips and blow a kiss. Over the past few days, I have found myself looking up at the sky and blowing a kiss. So, if you all don’t mind helping me out so that we can send a massive kiss to my mom, I would appreciate it. All you have to do is look up, and on the count of 3, blow a kiss. 1…2…3.

Thank you all for being here. We love you.

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2) Emily Frazier, Niece

When Abby, Nancy and Jeff asked me to speak here today, Abby said they all knew my auntie and I had a special relationship. And we do. Ever since I was very young I've idolized my auntie, and I have the fondest memories of her painting my toenails in the midst of endless torrential rainstorms during her Vermont vacations, of her calling me on her lunch break at school to report the latest fashion of 2nd graders, and of hundreds of emails with better punch lines than even the greatest stand-up comedians. It's been special, for sure. But the truth of it is, I’m not alone. Every person in this room today, and so many more who couldn't be here, has a special relationship with my Aunt Jean. Each of us will always have our own intimate, defining moments with her. That’s why we’re here.

And that is one of Jean's greatest strengths. Whether you exchanged a single email with her, met her briefly in a full-size hot dog costume, or have had her in your life almost every day, she made that relationship special and unique. She is the person you WANT to be stuck in line behind at the DMV. Better yet, if she had reason to go to the DMV, you would find yourself actually wanting to go wait with her, just to see what might happen on the entertainment front. Her incredible social skills were never more apparent to me than when I came to visit in the middle of last year. She had re-entered chemo and was hooked up to an oxygen machine, and I thought she and the family could use some additional support to assist her recovery, or as she referred to it, I was filling the position of "interim recreation director to assist her during sabbatical". So, being self-employed at the time, I flew down with a day's notice and set up my office on the couch next to her “day spa and retreat center” (or, the other side of the couch).

We spent a week there together and settled in to a nice little routine. Every morning after bribing her to eat an entire bagel by withholding her iPhone, we would have a long heart-to-heart about everything under the sun. But just around 10 AM we would have to cut things short because her busy social schedule would kick in. The house phone would ring off the hook with dear friends and family checking up on her. As she was chit-chatting away with the phone cradled next to her ear, she was texting another friend or playing Abby in Scrabble on her iPhone, all the while her other hand was on her laptop honing her newfound Facebook-stalking skills. Other than when we stopped to watch Ellen this continued all day, including numerous Skype dates with her class who she missed dearly. For that, Nancy and I set her up with headphones, and then we'd scramble for the kitchen while she yelled into the screen way too loud because she forgot her ears were covered. There was never a dull moment in Jean's social life because it was always chalk full of these special relationships.

But you didn't come here to listen to my words. We're here because of my auntie's words. So let me read an array of quotes I've pulled from her emails to help capture her one-in-a-billion personality.

Two editorial notes: In order to be suitable for children and a place of worship, the selection of quotes diminished rapidly from hundreds to ten. And second, if you are not aware of her dry sarcasm, some of these may sound odd.

1. "I found out I was (and still am) the Queen of Enablers. I wear my crown proudly. I now try to channel my enabling in directions where I can get what I want."

2. "Nothing like cancer to get pity. Whenever someone cuts in front of me at the grocery store and they see that I have a hat and scarf on they apologize profusely like they caused the cancer by cutting in front of me. I pretend I'm the Pope and give them special dispensation and act like it's OK. Actually, I send evil vibes their way and hope that someone runs their cart into that part of the back of your ankle that kills."

3. "I've had two radiation treatments so far. I'm over it. Even though the people are really nice and I like them a lot, I need to find another way to make friends. For real."

4. "I'm typing this on my school computer so I can't type in all the expletives that I really want to and need to. You can strategically place them where you want. There would be a lot of F words, that's for sure."

#5 comes from a rare time when she was venting her frustration about the cancer showing up again, where she felt like she was being singled out every time it came back. She missed the mundane everyday life the rest of us so often complain about. She said, "The best way to live is to be the person that goes through life falling through the cracks."

6. "WTF. Please tell me it's not going to rain the entire time we are in VT. I am actually surprised Peter and Kit are even letting us come, since we always bring some bizarre weather pattern with us. We bring rain to VT and drought to GA. We really are a lot more powerful than anyone gives us credit for. I think I'll play the lottery this week. Then we can all retire and sip drinks with little umbrellas in them."

Jean and I bonded a lot over celebrity gossip, so #7 is a text message she sent me related to People Magazine. “My recreation director, Nancy, has me out on a drive in search of people mag. We are at the 2nd store! If they say it comes out on Friday then they should have it out on Friday! I mean, this is Atlanta not a 3rd world country. We shut-ins count on things like this.”

And similarly, in a text message to Abby, #8: “What if Prince William and Kate get married the same day as Anna?? This will be a major problem. Thank goodness for TIVO.”

9. Upon learning to use Gchat and instant messaging, she said: "I'll chat later now that I'm cool. I also don't wear high-waisted pants anymore. OMG I'm so hip I can't stand it." ** On this one, I ask you to note the colorful Christmas sweater of Jean's that I've donned today in honor of her own fashion styles.

And the last quote is from an email 3 years ago when I was struggling with grief. I now find myself back in that same place, and again I've been seeking comfort in her words.

"As for the grieving process, I have nothing good to say about it. I think it sucks. I don't think anyone or anything that I love should have to die. There is nothing that makes grief any easier for anyone, but I do believe there is a true process you go through which has various stages.

When my father died, it was horrible and awful and all that, but there was this little part of me that was so happy he wasn't suffering any longer. Of course, then I had to feel guilty that I even thought that, but it was true. I knew he never would have wanted to live like that. So even to this day, I do all the what ifs. What if he had never gotten sick? Could he and my mother have done everything they wanted to do? What if, what if, what if? So I go through all that and then come back to the fact that I can't change what happened. It is what it is.

All I can do is move on with my life and honor him by how I handle myself."

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That’s my auntie, always so eloquently spoken. And -- I know how much she loved to hear this phrase – she is right.

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3) Lisa Nash, Principal of High Point Elementary

A famous person once said, “When you love people and have the desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then will you have accomplished the meaning to live.”

I had the pleasure of meeting Jean 7 years ago when I first came to High Point. I noticed her spunk, enthusiasm and tremendous sense of humor from the very beginning. She made a positive impact not only on the students in her class but on our entire school and community. Jean was dedicated to our school and was a fabulous educator; she started her career at High Point as a clinic assistant, then moved to being a Kindergarten assistant in Ms. Woods’ class and finally becoming a teacher; which she was born to be. She did her student teaching at High Point and I was fortunate enough to be able to hire her as a 2^nd grade teacher. After only two years in the classroom, she became our teacher of the year in 2008. I was so proud to be able to announce her name and recognize her for all her hard work. She was the perfect person to represent our school; hard working, dedicated, passionate, and enthusiastic. She loved all of her students and, like the quote said, wanted to make a profound impact in their lives. She always told her students that they held a secret just between them. The secret was that I gave her the best class in the school. Because to Jean, she HAD the best class in the school each and every year. She loved her class and even while sick, wanted to be there with them. She gave and gave and gave even when her body was saying “I’m tired, Jean!” We always know what impact she made and how her students needed her but according to Jean, she needed them also.

Jean was also a great friend to so many of us. She valued every relationship and made people feel like they were truly unique or special. Jean had so many friends and was the type of person that could keep up with all of them. She knew what was going on in all of our lives and she would always send a kind card or letter when her friends needed encouragement. You could always find her smiling and ready to make a joke about what was going on. Her mission was to make everyone feel better. She always made people feel like they were the center of her world. And the reality was, she was the center of ours. When Abby started the blog and she told everyone that Jean like hearing the comments from Facebook, I saw the stream of comments and realized what she meant to everyone and how she made each of us feel so special on a daily basis.

We all thrived on her sense of humor. She had nicknames and inside jokes with everyone. She would take a funny moment, which might have been shared only between you and her, and make it something special. Four years ago, she and I took an ESOL class called SIOP. For some strange reason, every time we went to class something severe happened at school without me being there; gas leak, fire, flood, toilets not usable, you name it. From then on, Jean would always ask me if I was having a “good day or a SIOP day.” That always brought a smile to my face and I would never have to answer SIOP day because her presence changed my not-so-good day into a great day.

Jean said once that “Nobody likes change except for a baby with a wet diaper.” One of her greatest attributes was her complete honesty. She would always tell you like it was; whether you wanted to hear it or not. She was a genuine person and even a stranger would know who she really was in a matter of minutes.

Jean was also the most artistic person with a colorful and bright outlook. If Jean didn’t have a paintbrush in her hand, she wasn’t herself. The positive side of this for everyone around her is that they all got to take part in her “colorful world”. Personally and professionally, I have Jean’s artistic reminders all around me and I know that all of you do too. I walk into the front lobby of the school and there are tile wall hangings that Jean and her class made for High Point. There also sits a table and chairs that Jean painted for the school. I can’t even use the restroom without thinking of Jean since she decided to change our boring beige walls to a beautiful purple! I will NEVER paint those walls again! My daughter even calls the table “Jean’s table” and actually says “I sit in Jean’s chairs before I go home.” This was after she thought the table and chairs were hers and I had to inform her otherwise. I am always a little nervous when we get to chair number four that we might have a tantrum when I actually say that it is truly time to leave, but it warms my heart to know that she loves the beautiful table as much as I do. I also have Jean surrounding me in my home. I have a huge splat mat that she made for my daughter when she was born, a dog mat for our dog and a pepper shaker she made me when I got married. I love having these things that Jean has made surround me. I am sure that you also have things which remind you of Jean each day.

Someone once said, “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” More than being a dynamite teacher, Jean was proud to call herself a mother and wife. Throughout our years together, she always spoke with adoration about her two daughters and husband. Every story that was told about Abby, Nancy, or Jeff was told with a sparkle in her eye. She was so proud of her family. I was told there was a dog too but we won’t go into that. I know that all the teachers here aren’t family by blood but we consider ourselves to be like family. Jean was our sister, our mother, and our best friend. Her legacy will live on through each person at High Point. Whenever someone makes a joke, paints a beautiful picture, teaches with their heart and soul, or even dresses up like a hot dog, we will remember our Queen Jean.

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And if you made it this far...congratulations! It's like you were right there with us at our celebration. Thank you all for everything you did yesterday and in the past month. Like I've said thousands of times before, we couldn't have done it without you all. I will continue posting stories about memories of my mom on the Queen Jean blog, as well as updates on our 3-Day Walk. If you are just overly hooked on my writing and are finding yourself in a stage of depression because the Queen Jean blog posts are becoming less frequent, you can follow my other blog (that is not NEARLY as exciting because it is about my boring life) at: http://www.abbythegrownup.blogspot.com/

Love and hugs to you all,

The Queen's Royal Court