Luck

Someone once asked me if I could think of my first memory. I was four years old and was told that I couldn’t go visit my brand new baby sister in the hospital yet (key word is yet). The sister I had (not so) patiently waited for during the 9 months of watching my mom’s belly grow. The hype and the anticipation of getting to visit her in the hospital was squashed when I was told I wouldn’t get to see her yet. I’m sure Nancy’s diaphragmatic hernia was explained to me in kid friendly terms that I don’t recall. But my vivid memory is not so much being told why I couldn’t go see her, but more my memory of saying that I was, “so mad I wanted to throw our couch in the middle of the street.” I remember exactly which couch- it was navy blue with tiny white lines in a pattern. And I remember exactly where I envisioned my 4-year-old self throwing said couch- right in the middle of the street in front of the sign marking the condo complex we lived in- what I now know of as Johnson Ferry Road. 

While you think about your first memory, I’m going to try to explain why my first memory is essentially all about luck and the coincidences of people who fall into our lives. Growing up, I was reminded that my first memory involved luck because I regularly walked by the framed picture below that hung on our stairwell.

I don’t think I really understood the level of luck until a couple years ago. I had the chance to sit on our back deck with Eileen, one of Nancy’s NICU nurses, who happened to be in Seattle working as a traveling nurse. Over a glass (or 2) of wine, she went on to tell me just how lucky I was to even be told that I couldn’t go see my new baby sister in the hospital yet. She told me that because the ECMO machine was so new to Eggleston (Nancy was born in June 1991, they got the machine in 1991), that there wasn’t yet a set criteria for knowing how to handle specific cases. Essentially, it was too new to know exactly what to do with Nancy to determine the best outcomes. The current data they have on the best outcomes for critically ill infants on ECMO likely wouldn’t have supported keeping Nancy on ECMO for as long as she was. So the fact that loads and loads of patient outcome data didn’t exist yet, was sheer luck. Eileen’s stories of luck went on and on, but the biggest being that this brand new life saving machine was only miles away from where Nancy was born was certainly the biggest factor.

I’m going to take a wild little tangent here, but stay with me! Three weeks ago, I got to go to the Madonna concert with my cousin. Being born in 1987, I was a little late to the Madonna craze, but when my cousin invited me it seemed like a no brainer to take her up on the invite. And yes, Madonna is 65 years old and still on tour! I learned at her concert that her mother passed away from breast cancer when she was only 5 years old. Madonna went on to talk about how her dancers and the people on her show became her family. This summer, Nick and I are going to see Willie Nelson in concert (yes, he’s 90 and still on tour!). This led us to watch the Willie Nelson documentary series on Paramount+ (highly recommend) and he also talks about how all of his friends who continue to go on the road again, became his family. Madonna and Willie couldn’t be more different. Yes, they’re both famous musicians who are somehow both still on tour. But their music is completely different, their fan bases are completely different, and their concerts are completely different. Yet, they both surround themselves with people who became like family.

My mom took to heart surrounding herself with good people. I think much of that is attributed to her being a person that people wanted to be around. I also think much of it is luck that good people came into our lives and, much like Madonna and Willie, she knew to hold on tight to the good people. Eileen was a brand new nurse assigned to hold Nancy and keep her from crying. Eileen told me she considered Nancy her own baby and she took on her shushing and rocking job with exactly the love and kindness you would expect of a NICU nurse. How lucky we were to have Eileen and all the doctors and nurses involved in Nancy’s care. My mom knew how lucky we were and she kept in touch with her for that very reason (and I think she also liked that Eileen similarly threw in an F bomb here and there). From Nancy’s time at Eggleston, we became connected with people who are still dear friends. I remember my friend Kate’s mom coming to our house to help make Nancy’s famous Eggleston handprint wreath Christmas card. This led to me becoming friends with Kate who is still a close friend. My mom stayed in touch with Nancy’s pediatrician- and even made him write this note on paper so that it was crystal clear that Nancy was ok despite every single odd- except luck- being stacked against her.

"Nancy Jean Howe is a normal child. -Dr. Bob"

Just as my parents did, Nick and I live far away from family. With two young kids, I see the importance of surrounding yourself with good, solid people who become like family. Frankly, there’s no way to survive the chaos of working and having little kids without having good people around to remind you that you’re sane. On top of surrounding yourself with good people, I continue to find coincidences in my life that can only be my mom saying, “Hey! Hey! I’m still around and checking in to make sure you’re surrounding yourself with good people!” A few days before Eileen came to visit I learned that the 16-year-old daughter of our neighbor (3 doors down) was born with a diaphragmatic hernia. I only learned this because, just like Nancy, she re-herniated her diaphragm at 16 years old. About 9 months ago, I learned that the person renting a basement apartment across the street is a Pulmonology Resident at Seattle Children’s specializing in- you guessed it- diaphragmatic hernias. The mother of our neighbors who live 2 doors down also lost her mom to cancer at a young age. When was her mom’s birthday? February 2nd (my mom’s birthday). And what was her mom’s name? Nancy.

“What the actual fuck?!” is all I can think to myself. 

This past June, Anna had a much more “traditional” experience of becoming a big sister to a little sister born in June. We welcomed baby Emily- who we still can’t decide if we’ll call Emily, Emmie, or Em- into our family 2 days after Nancy’s birthday. Emily/Emmie/Em’s sole mission in life is to laugh with her big sister. Soon after, we also made a rather rushed decision to welcome Clark, a puppy 3 months younger than Emily/Emmie/Em, into our family. Clark’s sole mission in life is to quietly destroy every toy we buy him.

To circle us back to the beginning here with Nancy- how incredibly lucky I am to get to say that I’m going to be an Aunt to Nancy and Kyle’s baby boy arriving in June!!! Since I’m way over here all the way across the country, it makes me beyond happy to know Nancy and Kyle are surrounded with similarly wonderful people in their lives as they begin their parenting journey. Here’s your reminder to take a little slice of Queen Jean this coming year- surround yourself with good people and remember to hold onto them tight.