Upside

I find it unreal that a year ago when I last looked at this blog, we were on the cusp of a life altering- dear god please let it only be a once in our lifetime- pandemic. And yet, here we are, 1 year later and forever changed in a multitude of ways. 

Equally as mind boggling, here we are 10 years later and forever changed in a multitude of ways. Over the past 10 years, I've written to you about love, time, adventure, strength, kindness, perspective, gratitude, and honor. Truth be told, these somewhat motivational seeming titles are simply ways of me trying to find an upside in a time of year that is sad.

10 Years ago we found ourselves trying to find the upside. 

She’s gone…

-and she’s free from pain.

-and she’s in a better place.

-and there’s no more chemo.

-and the suffering is over.

-and there’s no more scans.

-and blah, blah, blah [insert whatever comment you say to try to make yourself feel better here]

Quite simply, it seems that there comes a point in grieving where you mix your miserable, sad emotions with emotions that have a little bit of an upside to make you feel less sad. Thank goodness we do this, because life would be mind numbingly sad if we didn’t have this capability as humans. This past year of life during a pandemic brought so many similar mixed emotion feelings. Quite a few low moments, mixed in with moments where maybe, just maybe, we were able to find a tiny slice of the upside. 

We didn’t get to travel, and we’ve still seen and grown closer to people. I am beyond disappointed that we didn’t travel back to the East Coast this past year. It is unfathomable for me to think about the fact that the last time our families saw Anna, she was 3 months old. Thanks to incredible people great at technology, we have video chat capabilities. Due to this, Anna thinks that anyone on a video chat- including anyone during work staff meetings- is there to talk to her. Despite COVID restrictions, we’ve stayed more connected than ever with family and friends across the country. So, there’s the upside. 

We have school online, and we have tight knit relationships. Teaching children with special needs in Kindergarten through 2nd grade online has gone exactly how you think it would go. We’ve had our fair share of challenges including the days spent teaching how and when to mute/unmute, how to click on a link, how to keep your materials organized, how to hold up a paper to the camera so we can oohh and ahh over the hard work. Despite those challenges, I’ve never felt more connected to students and families. Ever. My co-workers and I are quite literally in these children’s homes. We’ve cried with their parents on Zoom, we’ve smiled at the siblings who jump in to wave and say hi, we’ve asked all the questions about all the pets (including parakeets sitting on shoulders during sharing time), we’ve heard the washing machine beep that it’s finished, and we’ve given hundreds of virtual high fives and hugs. So yes, it’s been hard in all ways AND I’ve never known more about the kids I get to teach (AND I can't wait to go back to school in person soon). So, there’s the upside.

And the phrase rolling out of bed has never been taken more literally.

All that being said, if you lost someone this year, if you’re living the trauma that is being at home and working while helping your children do schoolwork at home, or whatever other absolute shit happened to you this year, there might not be an upside yet. Maybe in 10 years. Just kidding, it’ll be before then, but probably not yet.

Enough about COVID, you all didn’t come here for this. You came here because you clicked on a link or got an email and wondered what the hell would be here 10 years later. I digress. 

Pretty much every day of my life for the past 10 years has been filled with trying my damndest to find the upside amidst continuing to miss someone. So, a few snippets from remembering Queen Jean this year...

Apparently my family is nomadic (and give their homes names), and it brings me joy. I’m filled with extreme happiness and laughter when I think about my dad and Nancy’s living situations. My dad still lives on a boat. And now, to add to the apparent new family tradition of nomadic living, my sister and Kyle live in a “travel trailer.” Important to note that it is NOT an RV! Their travel trailer, named Tina (Fey), gets towed behind their truck, named Amy (Poehler). This year, my dad’s plan is to do the “Great Loop” (going up the intercoastal, through the Great Lakes, down the Mississippi, around Florida, and back to Charleston) in his new boat he named ‘Loafer.’ I’ve asked many times if he’s sure he wants to name the boat Loafer. He loves the name, so it’s official. While he’s doing that, Nancy and Kyle are exploring the US and apparently encountering all the crazy weather phenomena along the way. Yes, they were in Texas for THE cold weather and even had to use a hair dryer to melt their RV slides. While I’m filled with a constant state of worry that my dad will sink or my sister will fly away in a windstorm, I’m also so happy for each of them. I really do laugh out loud when I think about what my mom would have to say about all this. So, there’s the upside.

                   

Nick and I are the opposite of nomadic. We bought a house that needs a little extra love, and I’m painting without using tape. If you know Nick at all, you know that the idea of painting without taping makes his engineering brain cringe. Prior to owning our house, I never had the opportunity to show off the tape free painting skills I learned from my mom. My mom’s tagline of, “all you need is a steady hand and a good angled brush” was not music to Nick’s ears. In a shocking turn of events- probably during the “oh crap we bought a house that has a long to-do list” realization phase- Nick saw the light and even outright complimented my straight edges [once] when I painted without taping. I’ve never been more proud of my steady hand and good angled brush. So, there’s the upside.

I’m filled with questions I want to ask my mom, and I’m regularly reminded that Anna is a reflection of her. Multiple times a day, I wish I could call my mom to talk about Anna and ask millions of questions about how the fuck you’re supposed to help these tiny, destructive humans survive and thrive. Anna is ‘strong willed,’ which I’ve learned is just an upside way of saying, “your child is challenging, so hopefully they’ll get their shit together as they grow up and then use their strong willed nature to do some good in the world.” I’m filled with extreme joy when I see Anna do things which so utterly and perfectly reflect that she is Jean’s granddaughter. Most notably, she rocks sunglasses (see below), loves my mom’s Groundhog Day necklace, and points to my mom’s picture in our house. And yet, I’m so incredibly sad at the same damn time that I can’t text these pictures to my mom and say, “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” which she used to say to me so often, that she shortened the phrase to, “apple...tree.”

   

In the next 10 years, may we all continue to try our damndest to find the upside.